Baby Steps

For the past two weeks I have struggled to kickstart my creative streak. I have spent hours walking around Michaels and Joanns trying to get inspired. I bought little ceramic houses with the idea of creating a Christmas village under the tree. Well after spending two days painting this little tavern I’m ready to toss it in the garbage. So frustrated I set out again. Then I remembered I still have not completed a Christmas stocking for my son and his is 26 now! I must have 12 stockings being worked on but I never have finished one. This year I will do it! My deadline is two weeks from today!

Careless Comment … Or Was It?

Someone made a comment at dinner last night that hurt my daughter’s feelings. I was not at this dinner so I was unable to buffer this rudeness or, and this was my gut reaction, pummel the bitch to the ground.

Ok … we all know I would not hit anyone, but any mother out there understands how I feel. We want to buffer our children, wrap them up in padding and protect them from the world. Unfortunately, that is in an impossible feat.

My daughter is in a committed relationship with a wonderful man. I could not have picked a better life partner for her. While their relationship is relatively young (living together for just over half a year) I believe they are lifers. They are a perfect match for each other, intelligent, fun, creative and family oriented.

Without going into details this woman basically dismissed my daughter as being inconsequential to this woman’s life.

It was a stupid, offhand remark at a family holiday dinner that was designed to bring attention to herself. I have not met this woman so I can’t judge why she would say this but I can only hope it was some sort of cry out for attention. She must be very unhappy in her life to intentionally hurt at least two of the people at that table.

Emotions run high at family gatherings and people tend to be a bit more outspoken when drinking. All I can do is hug my daughter, let her know I love her, and tell her what this woman thinks doesn’t matter .. what matters is the love she shares with the people who are closest to her in life.

Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada. Unfortunately I am far from most of my family today as I am in Florida with my son and his girlfriend while renovations are being done here. Even though we were unable to have our standard holiday dinner I am thankful for many things.

First I am thankful for my husband. We have been married 31 years and been together for 33 years. We live together, work together and usually holiday together. We are together more than most couples. Yes there are times we drive each other crazy and there are times we need a break from each other but we are still in love after all this time.

John is my rock, my iron man. He has been a good provider for our family. We may not always agree but I don’t know what I would do without him.

I am also thankful for my children. I have been truly blessed with my children.

My beautiful daughter Amanda is brilliant and creative. I have never met anyone else like her. It seems there is nothing she can’t do. She is an extremely talented artist in many fields (photography, drawing, needlework), excellent writer and the smartest person I have ever met. She is one of the people I know I can always count on to be there for me. Amanda has a travelling bug that she inherited from me .. often I dream of doing the Amazing Race with her.

My son is another one that has always been there for me. Adam is a gentle giant and one of the kindest old souls I have ever met. I can always count on him to tell me whether I’m off base … he centers me. When I am troubled he senses it and does what he can to fix it. He is smart, handsome and in the process of finding himself. I think this next year will be a watershed year for my baby boy.

John brought his two daughters into our relationship. Julie, the oldest, has grown into a strong and independent woman. In many ways she is much like me. We tend to like the same decorating ideas, clothing styles and we both are very family oriented. I wish she lived closer to me so she could be bigger part of my life but I plan to see her more often from here on out.

Laura is my other stepdaughter. Laura is a hands on woman … loves to do home renovations on her own. She is friendly and is competitive and loves to play games. Laura hates confrontation and will work at alleviating conflict.

I am thankful for my grandchildren (more on them later) and my extended family. I am thankful for my health and home. And lastly I am thankful for my most comfortable bed … I am heading there now!

Spirits, Ghosts and the Afterlife … Oh My!

 

 

My head tells me there is no such thing as ghosts but experience tells me otherwise.  

When I was a little girl my maternal grandmother lived with my family.  She was an unusual woman.  She read tarot cards, studied Edgar Cayce and told me about the afterlife.  She was not an affectionate woman, in fact she had little time for me other read my cards daily.  Recently I found a letter she wrote to my mother when I was a teenager and I was quite surprised that she said she loved me in the letter.  She had a stroke and spent some time in a nursing home.  She didn’t know who anyone was but me.  She would beg me to take her away and it broke my heart.  

Her oldest daughter, my Aunt Delores, was another unusual woman.  She was a practicing Druid.  I spent many Saturday afternoons with her learning how to spin.  She taught me to card the wool, dye it and spin it and my mother would weave the wool.  My aunt would tell me how to respect nature, the spirits and to listen to my heart.  My aunt was larger than life and it is said she haunts her old home.  

I mention my grandmother (who I was named after) and my aunt as a bit of background to my story.  They both believed there was nothing to fear from spirits as long as you were strong enough inside.  

When my children were young (my daughter was 9 and my son was 5) we were in a hotel near an airport.  Early the next morning we were to fly out for a vacation to Florida.  We all were sleeping and I woke to the most evil sounds.  I could feel the evil in the room.  My children were in the next bed sound asleep.  This voice said to me he was going to take my children and I was powerless to do anything about it.  I was unable to move … I felt frozen in place.  Then I just said to myself that no one, no THING would harm my children if I could help it and I forced myself to turn over to face it.  The moment I turned to face my children I could feel the presence begin to slip away and there was this flash of light in the room.  I sat up and sparks began to fly out of my fingertips.  I woke my husband up and the sparks would travel from my fingers to the edges of the bed.  My children woke up and saw this phenomenon.   What was this?  I have no idea.  I have never felt that fear again, have never felt that evil again.  It was like I faced my challenge and won.  

That has not been the extent of feeling a presence near me.  One time I was in an elevator at the nursing home where my parents live.  I had an upsetting visit with my mother.  She suffers from dementia and gave me a very hard time that day.  I was leaving and alone in the elevator.  I started to cry (not sobbing just tearing up) and I very clearly heard my Aunt Betty say to me “You are her angel”.  I heard it as clear as anything, recognized my aunt’s voice and felt her with me.  My aunt Betty and my mother were best friends. My aunt died a few years ago …. just at the onset of my mother’s dementia.  My aunt gave me strength that day that I still feel today.

My husband and I bought a building for our business a few years back.  It was a very stressful time for me.  There were times I was ready to give up on life because I was so worn out from work, the children and the renovations to this old building.  One day, I was sitting in my office and I could smell bacon and eggs cooking.  Then I could smell fresh coffee.  It was just like when I was a little girl and my grandmother was downstairs making her breakfast.  I could feel my grandmother there watching over me.  It came to the point where I would say good morning to her when I got to work and goodbye when I left.  Then one day, I took a nap in my office.  While napping I dreamt she came to me and said I was fine and she could leave.  I never felt her again.

There is more but that is for another time.

Beginnings

Before I can work on increasing my happiness I need to identify what makes me unhappy.  What causes me stress.  What things pull me down?  Who upsets me and fills me with negative feelings?  What am I missing in my life?

Stress in my life is caused by sneaky, lying people who smile and tell you one thing while they are doing something behind my back.  Problem is not much gets past me.  I don’t call these liars out … I just know what they are doing and let them continue lying to me.  This needs to change.

I worry about financial security.  Who knew the economy would tank?  The sale of the practice, the sale of the building all worry me.

I have only one close friend.  I have no girlfriends to go to the movies with, shopping with or to hang out.   I have one friend but she is extremely social and I am just one of her many friends. I would like to have a best friend that has time for me.

I am fat and unfit.  I need to change this so I can enjoy my life.  Garbage in … Garbage out.  I eat garbage.  I need to change this and I need to get fit.  I will never be pretty but I want to get to the point where I don’t minds having my photo taken.

As much as I love my husband I am worried we will have nothing in common once I stop working with him.  I want to develop common interests and work at strengthening our relationship as our work relationship ends.

I lost control of my life 10 years ago and I need to take charge again. I need to fix my house.

I love my children more than life itself but I feel I have short-changed them over the last several years. I want to change that and spend more quality time with them.

Lastly something that makes me very sad is how I let my father down. I will address this one later.