Four Months and Counting

Posted on by Sue

Four months have passed.  It doesn’t get any easier but it is different.  I don’t sob as much anymore.  I tear up but everything stays inside.  Once in awhile (like when I was at the doctor’s office) I break down and cry but generally I am able to contain it.

It is not that it hurts less.  It is just different.  I feel sad and empty inside.  I can’t even listen to music right now because it brings emotions to close to the surface.  It is easier for me to just stay numb and then I can deal with the day. I am trying to figure out a play list to walk to that makes me happy instead of upsetting me all over again.

In a week I leave for Florida.  I’m glad to be going because I need a change of scenery.  I’m tired of working on bookkeeping and year ends and I’m tired of working on the house.  I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.  I get one job done and another one appears.  I need some time for me.  I need to start taking care of myself.  I need to eat right, learn to relax and start walking again.  I spend too much time sitting at my desk working.  Time to stretch those legs!

Today, when I was having my tea, I could picture those last few moments with my husband.  I had heard a noise and came into the family room where his bed was located.  I took his hand, he opened his eyes and looked at me.  And he took his last breath.  I closed his eyes and held on to him for as long as I could before I called the nurse to come pronounce his death.

When the funeral home came they made the family go to the back yard.  They didn’t want us to see them take John out of the house.  I came back in after they transferred him to the guerney and watched silently while they wheeled him down the driveway to the hearse.  John was leaving the house for the last time. I still can picture this in my head so perfectly.

Now he is here in the house … in spirit .. with me.  I have decided that I want to live in the house until I die and I want to die in the same exact spot he did and I want to take that final journey out of the house the way he did.  And I know, that when I make that trip, he will be beside me holding my hand.

I love you John.  I miss you so much.  Words can’t even express how much.  Forever and all ways.

P.S.  After I wrote this I decided I needed to go out for some air.  I was standing near where John died when there was two distinct thuds from closeby.  My son’s girlfriend and I looked at each other thinking we both did something but we hadn’t.  This happened at exactly the time John passed away 4 months ago.  Proves to me he is still here with me.

The Lucky One

Posted on by Sue

When I was young I would ask my mom if I was pretty and she would say to me “Your older sister is the pretty one, your brother is the smart one and you are the lucky one”. I was the lucky one. I thought that I was special … there were lots of pretty girls, smart people but how many people were “lucky”?

As I grew up I realized people were not born lucky. People make their own luck working hard. I knew I was every bit as smart as my brother and while I was not pretty, I certainly was not ugly.

Then I met a man who made me feel that I was all three things .. pretty, intelligent and lucky. Next week we will have been married 31 years.

I am the first to admit we have had both good times and bad times. We lived together, worked together and spent all our time together. We raised two children together and helped raise his two daughters from his first marriage. After all this time I still consider myself lucky to be his wife.

My husband is the smartest man I know, kind, generous and loving. He has spent his lifetime providing for his family. He has taken good care of me and given me a life that I love. This anniversary is the start of our new life together as he retires two months later. After over 34 years of taking care of our family it will be our time together. I am looking forward to our new beginning.

I really am the lucky one.