60 Seconds

I keep thinking that I just want one minute more with John.  Just one minute.  But then I try and think what would I do in that minute? Is there something I would ask him? I can’t think of anything. I wouldn’t waste the time asking if he loved me because I know he did.  Should I ask him if he is proud how I am handling things?  Nope … he would tell me he was always proud of me.  So what would I do with that minute?  I finally figured it out.  I just want home to hold me for a minute.  Just one reassuring hug for 60 seconds.  But I know I would be greedy and want more.  One minute a year, one minute a month, one minute a week … it would never be enough until I had him back with me full time.

I was trying to figure out what it is that I need right now. It is an odd feeling.  I am so lonely but not alone.  My family has been wonderful and supportive and I really am not alone but I sure am lonely. Today I went out with my brother, his wife and their grandaughter to Weeki Wachi.  We saw the mermaids perform, took a short boat ride down the Weeki Wachi river and walked around the grounds.  Beautiful, old style Florida fun but I missed having John with me.  I miss those shared moments where we could communicate our feelings without words and we just knew what the other was thinking.   I am surrounded by people but I have never felt so lonely.  I don’t know if that hole will ever be filled.


Happy Anniversary

It would have been my 35th anniversary today.  John and I planned to spend the entire month of October celebrating in Hawaii.  We made such wonderful plans, a week on Oahu, a week on the Big Island, a week on Kauai and a week cruising all of the islands.  Instead I am in Florida wishing with my whole heart that I could have one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment with the man I loved.

I’m sure everyone feels their wedding day was special or unusual but I felt mine really was.  The night before we were married John put his back out scraping a plate after dinner (I think that was the last time he helped clear the table).  He could barely move on our wedding day (which is why he looks so stiff in our wedding photos).

We were to be married at City Hall at 3 pm.  Around noon his brother (our best man) called and said he could no longer be our best man.  He said he couldn’t do it in good conscience because he felt our marriage was wrong.  John had been married before and had two children from his first marriage.  John was shattered.  It was bad enough that one brother just refused to attend the wedding and now his other brother would no longer be our best man.  Fortunately my brother agreed to step in.  It was, as they say, the beginning of a beautiful friendship between my brother and John.

Even with all this family turmoil John and I were incredibly happy on our wedding day.  My family loved John and accepted him into the fold. John and I had many happy years together and our family grew.  As I said before we had a daughter and a son and the two daughters from his first marriage spent a great deal of time with us. (The oldest actually moved in with us when she was 14 and stayed with us until she finished college and the next one lived with us for almost ten years while she was an adult.)

But suddenly things were not so perfect.  John changed drastically and our relationship suffered.  I don’t want to concentrate on it here as it is in the past and I feel it has to do with his undiagnosed diabetes.  Whenever John’s sugar levels were high he would be quite difficult to be with and once he was diagnosed we knew how to handle it.  But there was a period of 4 to 5 years where our relationship suffered because of it.  Once he got his diabetes under control we decided to reconcile.  For our 25th anniversary we decided to show the world we were united and we renewed our vows on a pirate ship out on the gulf of Mexico.  For the next ten years (until his illness) we were incredibly happy together.


John and I weren’t just married; we were in business together.  This meant we spent more time together than most couples.  We were an extension of each other and that was wonderful.  I would drive John crazy when I’d finish sentences for him but it just showed me how in sync we were together.  There were times I was in Florida and he was back home but we would talk several times a day on the telephone and we shared everything with each other.  We were a team.

Today I celebrate the time we did have together.  Every moment, every smile, every kiss, every tear, every laugh … every second we spent together.  I was very lucky to find my soul mate.  Many people go through their entire lives looking and never find them.  He was and still is my happiness.




My Family

I started this post a year ago before my husband got ill.  I’ve decided that it is time to start looking at the positive things in my life and finish it.  Hopefully it will help me in the long run.

Sometime ago I was challenged by a fellow blogger to write a letter to someone that made a positive impact on my life.  I have sort of done this in my blogs when I wrote how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and about the relationship I had with my dad.  So I’m changing this up a bit … just decided to say some of the things I am thankful for.

I know how lucky I am.  I have incredible freedoms in my life. I’m able to go wherever I want to go, basically whenever I want to go.   While the stock market fell I still have enough money to live on.  I go to bed with a full belly every night and wake up every morning knowing I have another chance to make a difference in life.  I am truly blessed.

The icing on the cake is my family.  As I mentioned before I had a husband that loves me.  He was a package deal and came with two daughters.  They have grown up and have children of their own.

Julie is oldest daughter.  Her siblings will say she is the bossiest but at times that is what this family needs.  She is fiercely protective of the family and will defend us to death.  She is always posting things on facebook saying she is a  bitch to which I always think “you say that like it is a bad thing”.  Julie wears it well. She is a strong woman and I’m quite proud of her.  Julie lives an hour away and is happily married and has a teenage son.  They are living a perfect life … big house, good jobs and good health.  They are the ideal family.

Next in the birth order is Laura.  Laura has a daughter Emily and they lived with us since my granddaughter was one and a half and lived with us for almost 10 years. They are both quite happy now, my stepdaughter is now married, she bought a house less than 10 minutes away from me and she has her mother living with them.  Laura is the child that hates confrontation and wants everything to run smoothly.  Ever since John has passed away she comes by to check on me regularly.  She tries to keep me busy by having me over for dinner or just coming by to hang out.

My husband and I have two children together (they are both adults now) and they are both quite happy in their lives.  Our oldest is our daughter Amanda.  She’s a beautiful woman, smart, funny, talented and creative.  She is married to a wonderful man.  I could not have picked a better man for her. She is the most like my husband of all our children.  Things to Amanda (and John) are always black and white with very little grey area in between.  I find that odd since she is incredibly creative and talented in so many areas.  She is an introvert like her mother and she the most competitive of all the children.  This is not a bad thing because it always makes herself push to the next limit.  She has to learn more, train harder, break all her personal goals.  She is an inspiration to me.

Our son Adam protects me, calms me, makes me laugh, frustrates the hell out of me at times, but I know he is always here for me.  He has the ability to center me and makes me see both sides of situations. He is the baby of the family and is spoiled rotten by his siblings.  But they all know when mom is upset to call Adam.  Adam worked several years with John and I but he decided he wanted a new direction once John sold his accounting practice.  He is in the second year of culinary management in college and he hopes to run a restaurant some day.  The benefit to this is he creates wonderful meals and desserts for us but the bad side is it is not helping my weight.  Adam is presently living with me along with his girlfriend Lee.  We would like to continue this arrangement after he finishes college so that I can travel and feel that the house is in good hands while I’m away.

As I have mentioned before I have a nephew that I’m close to.  He is like my kid brother.  There is ten years between us but since we have grown into adults we have become friends too.  Stephen always has my back and I have his.  He is strong and follows the “what would John do” train of thought throughout his life.  John was his father figure and he took all the lessons John taught him to heart.  He is a wonderful man.

You are going to read a lot about these people in upcoming blog posts because they are all the centre of my life.

Four Months and Counting

Four months have passed.  It doesn’t get any easier but it is different.  I don’t sob as much anymore.  I tear up but everything stays inside.  Once in awhile (like when I was at the doctor’s office) I break down and cry but generally I am able to contain it.

It is not that it hurts less.  It is just different.  I feel sad and empty inside.  I can’t even listen to music right now because it brings emotions to close to the surface.  It is easier for me to just stay numb and then I can deal with the day. I am trying to figure out a play list to walk to that makes me happy instead of upsetting me all over again.

In a week I leave for Florida.  I’m glad to be going because I need a change of scenery.  I’m tired of working on bookkeeping and year ends and I’m tired of working on the house.  I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.  I get one job done and another one appears.  I need some time for me.  I need to start taking care of myself.  I need to eat right, learn to relax and start walking again.  I spend too much time sitting at my desk working.  Time to stretch those legs!

Today, when I was having my tea, I could picture those last few moments with my husband.  I had heard a noise and came into the family room where his bed was located.  I took his hand, he opened his eyes and looked at me.  And he took his last breath.  I closed his eyes and held on to him for as long as I could before I called the nurse to come pronounce his death.

When the funeral home came they made the family go to the back yard.  They didn’t want us to see them take John out of the house.  I came back in after they transferred him to the guerney and watched silently while they wheeled him down the driveway to the hearse.  John was leaving the house for the last time. I still can picture this in my head so perfectly.

Now he is here in the house … in spirit .. with me.  I have decided that I want to live in the house until I die and I want to die in the same exact spot he did and I want to take that final journey out of the house the way he did.  And I know, that when I make that trip, he will be beside me holding my hand.

I love you John.  I miss you so much.  Words can’t even express how much.  Forever and all ways.

P.S.  After I wrote this I decided I needed to go out for some air.  I was standing near where John died when there was two distinct thuds from closeby.  My son’s girlfriend and I looked at each other thinking we both did something but we hadn’t.  This happened at exactly the time John passed away 4 months ago.  Proves to me he is still here with me.


Today is my first Thanksgiving without my husband.  I’m having a very hard time finding anything to be thankful for even though I know in my heart I should be grateful for the life I have.

I still don’t sleep well.  I tend to wander the house at night.  I sleep a few hours in my bed, sleep a few hours in the living room and then a few hours in the family room. I’m most comfortable in the family room because I feel John is in there.  It is the room where he died.  I curl up on the sofa and pretend he is still there in his hospital bed.  I think I will do better when I return to Florida.  It is less stressful there for me.

My son Adam made his first Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.  Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, squash, steamed veggies and a yummy creme brulee for dessert.  My daughter Amanda came with her husband and we all enjoyed the meal.  Everyone seemed to avoid the topic of John but he was never far from us.  Tomorrow I’m going to another daughter’s house to celebrate again.  But this celebration is really difficult for me.  I know I have to be strong for them but it is really difficult.

A good friend of mine called today to tell me he was thinking of me.  He said that he knows it is hard experiencing “firsts” without John.  He’s right.  But I think I’m going to miss John every day of the rest of my life.

I have been thinking though that John would be upset with me if he knew I was still feeling this way.  John always wanted my happiness before his.  I’m going to work hard at being more social and getting my feet back on the ground. I spend too many days feeling lost and empty.  I don’t want my life to be wasted.  I still have time left to do some good in this world and make my mark.  I’m going to try and be more positive and find my way.

I have been working on clients year ends lately and I want to get them all finished so I can clear my mind when I go down south.  I don’t want to take work down there with me.  So for the next week I’m going to keep my nose to the grindstone and get it all done!