I keep thinking that I just want one minute more with John. Just one minute. But then I try and think what would I do in that minute? Is there something I would ask him? I can’t think of anything. I wouldn’t waste the time asking if he loved me because I know he did. Should I ask him if he is proud how I am handling things? Nope … he would tell me he was always proud of me. So what would I do with that minute? I finally figured it out. I just want home to hold me for a minute. Just one reassuring hug for 60 seconds. But I know I would be greedy and want more. One minute a year, one minute a month, one minute a week … it would never be enough until I had him back with me full time.
I was trying to figure out what it is that I need right now. It is an odd feeling. I am so lonely but not alone. My family has been wonderful and supportive and I really am not alone but I sure am lonely. Today I went out with my brother, his wife and their grandaughter to Weeki Wachi. We saw the mermaids perform, took a short boat ride down the Weeki Wachi river and walked around the grounds. Beautiful, old style Florida fun but I missed having John with me. I miss those shared moments where we could communicate our feelings without words and we just knew what the other was thinking. I am surrounded by people but I have never felt so lonely. I don’t know if that hole will ever be filled.