I realize I haven’t posted for some time. I’ve been struggling, but in a new way. It seems I have battle after battle to fight, whether they are legal or tax challenges that relate to my husband’s death. I’m just so tired. I am doing tax returns this year and all the clients that come to see me want to talk about John. It is not easy to tell the story over and over again. I never want to cry in front of them. Everyone makes a comment like “you are an inspiration to all of us”, or “you are so strong” or the one I hate most “you look great” (because I have lost weight). I am not an inspiration, not strong and I feel like shit. They don’t realize that as soon as everyone is gone that I cry. I wake up crying, go to sleep crying. I feel like crap.
This week has been one of the worst I’ve had in a long time. I don’t want to rehash everything but my company is being audited by CRA (this is a non-issue but just frustrating right now), I had to file the estate tax return for my husband for the IRS because we held property in the US and had issues with my new car. On top of all that it is tax season and I have had so many clients here this week and employee who barely shows up. There are no excuses during tax season not to be at work! So I’ve had even a rougher go the last little while. On top of that I’m having heart tests done. I’m not trying to be a doctor but I know there is a problem. I’ve always had a weird thing with my heart where it races and sometimes I get light headed and feel faint. But now I’m getting worried. It happens more and more lately. I hope it is just that I need a pacemaker to regulate the heartbeat or medication. I have always said I don’t want open heart surgery and now … well even more so now. If my heart is physically broken it can match my emotional heart.
Now I feel like I need to wrap things up. Get things organized. Make sure my son can take care of himself (he actually finishes college today). I need to train him and my daughter on taking over the business or simply close it down. I have a “to do” list.
If I’m to move forward I need to change that attitude. Find something to live for. My kids are all self sufficient so once my list is done I don’t need to “live” for them.
My next blog I will begin telling stories from my past. How I met John, how we fell in love, how our life was together. I’ll tell stories from my childhood and leave an online legacy. Gives me something to do.
Forever and all ways … I will love you John.