I have been sick for the last 3 weeks.  I’m finally back on my feet after having a respiratory illness (another term for a chest cold).  Being sick gave me lots of time to think. I decided I need to work this tax season and probably a few more years because I need more work done on the house.  I need new front doors, windows in my bedroom and my ensuite done.  And there are things I want to do so I need to work.  But I discovered that I’m vacillating between two emotions lately — anger and anticipation.

I’m so angry at John right now.  I’m angry he left me.  I’m angry that all our plans never will happen.  I’m angry that I’m alone.  I’m angry at the universe for allowing this to happen.  John was supposed to take care of me and he is gone.  I’m scared and I have no one to hold me and tell me it is going to be ok.  While I was ill I had no one to take care of me because my son also was sick.  As a mother I took care of him but there is no one that will ever take care of me again.

I think the main reason I’m angry at John is I no longer think of him as ill and dying.  In my mind he is healthy and happy but just absent.  I realized I stopped feeling guilty about John’s illness and death because I no longer think of him that way.  It was a gradual shift but I found I was talking to my son about the fun things John and I did together.  We were laughing together about healthy John.  It feels good but I’m missing John so very much.

But on the other hand I’m looking forward to some things.  I want to paint more, sew more and just can’t wait until the craft room is done. I have to move forward.