Happy Birthday John

Posted on by Sue

I wish I could buy you a thousand amazing gifts for your birthday, but I know the things that make life happy can’t be bought … like love and the closeness two people share … time … days spent together when we’re happy no matter what we are doing … kindnesses … the little things we do for one another. These things can’t be bought and yet they are the best gifts of all.

And so, for your birthday, I’m giving you this promise as part of my gift — to love you even more and make you happier, to make all our days together days to remember always.

This was my card to John on his birthday last year … I never dreamt it was his last birthday and our days together were so limited. I miss him every moment of every day.

Tonight I went to John’s favourite restaurant and toasted him as the sun went down.  I love you John … you are still my world.  img_0100

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Posted on by Sue

Five months have passed.  The past few weeks were some of the most difficult times I’ve gone through.  I started having panic attacks.  I had one when I was out playing bingo with a friend and another while I was shopping at Lowes.  Both times I thought I was having a heart attack.  My thoughts were not “Oh my .. I’m going to die” but “I want to die at home so I can be with John”.

So one afternoon I went to John’s Pass.  Believe it or not, I went to Hooters, found a table by the water and I sat there for 2 hours.  I watched the people on the boardwalk and sat and thought.  I decided that I was going to sell the condo.  John and I worked so hard the past 9 years getting this condo ready for this year.  We were supposed to be retired this year, enjoying our winter home.   We did all the renovations together and, as a result, I feel him in every corner of this place.  Every moment is like picking a scab on my already broken heart.

I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I made the decision to sell.  I didn’t realize I was just exchanging one stress for another.  I came home and told my family and they were generally supportive.  My children were all concerned that I was rushing it but my brother totally understood.  Leo was here for a week and he didn’t feel as comfortable as when he used to come when John was here.  My only reservation was that John had asked me to wait a year before I sold the condo.  We talked about it before he died and I told him I would sell and he tried to persuade me to keep it.  If the situation was reversed I could see him keeping the place but I need to be home with my children.  Plus I find it so difficult to continue with our business from here.  My son is helping me as much as he can but it is hard to know where we are at when we are doing everything over the phone.

I needed some time to pack up everything before I listed the unit so I just put a sign in one window that it was for sale by owner.  I had several calls from people that could see it from the golf course but no one came to see it.  My neighbour Jan tried to have her daughter buy it but it really wasn’t right for the daughter.  She has young children and would have to try and rent it.  I totally understood why she didn’t but it but I had a more difficult time trying to understand why my next door neighbours did what they did.  They came over one morning and toured the apartment.  They told me how much they loved the unit and how they wanted to buy it.  They went home to discuss it and came back a few hours later and said they wanted to buy it.  They were going to go to the bank on Saturday and we agreed on the price and terms.  I was on top of the world at that moment.  I felt the tides are turned for me.  Then two days later they came over and told me that they changed their mind.  I was in shock.  I could not believe it.  There are no words to describe how I felt.  It was like the final straw that I could handle.  John’s illness and subsequent death, the problems with the person that bought his practice, the problems I had with the house falling apart, the stress of the business and then this … well to be honest, I didn’t think I would be able to get through it.  I was seriously contemplating the end of my life.

I slept off and on … mostly just took to my bed … and got up 24 hours later and decided it was time to list the condo professionally.  Once the decision was made I felt stronger.  The real estate agent came by on Friday and and I signed the papers.

I had the most difficult time on Friday after I signed the papers.  I was going out for dinner with my neighbours.  I was apprehensive about going since my one friend was annoyed with me already for listing with an agent but I went.  It was 4 couples plus one other widow.  We went to the Elks club.  At the dinner I needed up sitting next to the friend that felt I should have had her sell my condo.  She was very frustrated with me that I listed and she let me know.  I ended up going to the bathroom several times as she upset me so much.  She had no idea how she upset me.  Her heart was in the right place but she doesn’t understand how stressful this is for me.  I’m so torn about selling this place.  I love it here but it is not the same without John.  I’m lonely and it is an expensive place to come sit alone.

So I’m already upset and at this dinner.  I am watching all these couples, friends of John’s and mine, having fun together.  After dinner there is dancing.  I watch my friends all dance together.  I never felt so alone.

A few days have passed and I’m doing better.  Each day is a struggle but I’m counting the days until Laura gets here on Saturday and we go off on our cruise.  And then I go home.  I pray that someone will see my place and buy it quickly and I can move on with my life.

 

Super Strong

Posted on by Sue

Grief is the strongest emotion I have ever felt.  It has taken over all my feelings of love and hope, erased all the joy and life out of me.  The only time I sleep is when I take a sleeping pill and it is a dreamless sleep.  A restless, dreamless sleep.

Over and over again I reach out for John and he is not there.  He is not there when I need him, he is not there when I need my hand held, he is not there when I am scared or tired, he is not there when I turn to show him something I discovered.  All that happens is that momentary joy turns to overwhelming sadness when I realize I don’t have him here to share it with.  He wasn’t here for the world series, he wasn’t here to see his Orioles get beaten my Blue Jays and he won’t be here for any more of the events in my life.

I am going to fight this though because that is what John would have wanted me to do.  While he was dying he held me and told me that I was strong enough to get through this.  He never was wrong before so why should he be wrong now?  I need to find that strength within me and beat this thing called “grief”.  I am still alive.

I’m not sure how to do this … how to defeat this overpowering thing called grief.  I want to smile again, really smile, when I hear Christmas songs or see a child playing in the surf.  I want to feel better and not spend my days curled up on my bed just staring out the window.  I know where I want to be but I have to figure out how to get there.

I need to be like a super hero … like Dr. Strange or Batman and take this loss and turn it into something positive.  John believed in me.  I need to believe in me.

60 Seconds

Posted on by Sue

I keep thinking that I just want one minute more with John.  Just one minute.  But then I try and think what would I do in that minute? Is there something I would ask him? I can’t think of anything. I wouldn’t waste the time asking if he loved me because I know he did.  Should I ask him if he is proud how I am handling things?  Nope … he would tell me he was always proud of me.  So what would I do with that minute?  I finally figured it out.  I just want home to hold me for a minute.  Just one reassuring hug for 60 seconds.  But I know I would be greedy and want more.  One minute a year, one minute a month, one minute a week … it would never be enough until I had him back with me full time.

I was trying to figure out what it is that I need right now. It is an odd feeling.  I am so lonely but not alone.  My family has been wonderful and supportive and I really am not alone but I sure am lonely. Today I went out with my brother, his wife and their grandaughter to Weeki Wachi.  We saw the mermaids perform, took a short boat ride down the Weeki Wachi river and walked around the grounds.  Beautiful, old style Florida fun but I missed having John with me.  I miss those shared moments where we could communicate our feelings without words and we just knew what the other was thinking.   I am surrounded by people but I have never felt so lonely.  I don’t know if that hole will ever be filled.

 

Happy Anniversary

Posted on by Sue

It would have been my 35th anniversary today.  John and I planned to spend the entire month of October celebrating in Hawaii.  We made such wonderful plans, a week on Oahu, a week on the Big Island, a week on Kauai and a week cruising all of the islands.  Instead I am in Florida wishing with my whole heart that I could have one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment with the man I loved.

I’m sure everyone feels their wedding day was special or unusual but I felt mine really was.  The night before we were married John put his back out scraping a plate after dinner (I think that was the last time he helped clear the table).  He could barely move on our wedding day (which is why he looks so stiff in our wedding photos).

We were to be married at City Hall at 3 pm.  Around noon his brother (our best man) called and said he could no longer be our best man.  He said he couldn’t do it in good conscience because he felt our marriage was wrong.  John had been married before and had two children from his first marriage.  John was shattered.  It was bad enough that one brother just refused to attend the wedding and now his other brother would no longer be our best man.  Fortunately my brother agreed to step in.  It was, as they say, the beginning of a beautiful friendship between my brother and John.

Even with all this family turmoil John and I were incredibly happy on our wedding day.  My family loved John and accepted him into the fold. John and I had many happy years together and our family grew.  As I said before we had a daughter and a son and the two daughters from his first marriage spent a great deal of time with us. (The oldest actually moved in with us when she was 14 and stayed with us until she finished college and the next one lived with us for almost ten years while she was an adult.)

But suddenly things were not so perfect.  John changed drastically and our relationship suffered.  I don’t want to concentrate on it here as it is in the past and I feel it has to do with his undiagnosed diabetes.  Whenever John’s sugar levels were high he would be quite difficult to be with and once he was diagnosed we knew how to handle it.  But there was a period of 4 to 5 years where our relationship suffered because of it.  Once he got his diabetes under control we decided to reconcile.  For our 25th anniversary we decided to show the world we were united and we renewed our vows on a pirate ship out on the gulf of Mexico.  For the next ten years (until his illness) we were incredibly happy together.

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John and I weren’t just married; we were in business together.  This meant we spent more time together than most couples.  We were an extension of each other and that was wonderful.  I would drive John crazy when I’d finish sentences for him but it just showed me how in sync we were together.  There were times I was in Florida and he was back home but we would talk several times a day on the telephone and we shared everything with each other.  We were a team.

Today I celebrate the time we did have together.  Every moment, every smile, every kiss, every tear, every laugh … every second we spent together.  I was very lucky to find my soul mate.  Many people go through their entire lives looking and never find them.  He was and still is my happiness.

FOREVER AND ALL WAYS

 

 

My Family

Posted on by Sue

I started this post a year ago before my husband got ill.  I’ve decided that it is time to start looking at the positive things in my life and finish it.  Hopefully it will help me in the long run.

Sometime ago I was challenged by a fellow blogger to write a letter to someone that made a positive impact on my life.  I have sort of done this in my blogs when I wrote how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and about the relationship I had with my dad.  So I’m changing this up a bit … just decided to say some of the things I am thankful for.

I know how lucky I am.  I have incredible freedoms in my life. I’m able to go wherever I want to go, basically whenever I want to go.   While the stock market fell I still have enough money to live on.  I go to bed with a full belly every night and wake up every morning knowing I have another chance to make a difference in life.  I am truly blessed.

The icing on the cake is my family.  As I mentioned before I had a husband that loves me.  He was a package deal and came with two daughters.  They have grown up and have children of their own.

Julie is oldest daughter.  Her siblings will say she is the bossiest but at times that is what this family needs.  She is fiercely protective of the family and will defend us to death.  She is always posting things on facebook saying she is a  bitch to which I always think “you say that like it is a bad thing”.  Julie wears it well. She is a strong woman and I’m quite proud of her.  Julie lives an hour away and is happily married and has a teenage son.  They are living a perfect life … big house, good jobs and good health.  They are the ideal family.

Next in the birth order is Laura.  Laura has a daughter Emily and they lived with us since my granddaughter was one and a half and lived with us for almost 10 years. They are both quite happy now, my stepdaughter is now married, she bought a house less than 10 minutes away from me and she has her mother living with them.  Laura is the child that hates confrontation and wants everything to run smoothly.  Ever since John has passed away she comes by to check on me regularly.  She tries to keep me busy by having me over for dinner or just coming by to hang out.

My husband and I have two children together (they are both adults now) and they are both quite happy in their lives.  Our oldest is our daughter Amanda.  She’s a beautiful woman, smart, funny, talented and creative.  She is married to a wonderful man.  I could not have picked a better man for her. She is the most like my husband of all our children.  Things to Amanda (and John) are always black and white with very little grey area in between.  I find that odd since she is incredibly creative and talented in so many areas.  She is an introvert like her mother and she the most competitive of all the children.  This is not a bad thing because it always makes herself push to the next limit.  She has to learn more, train harder, break all her personal goals.  She is an inspiration to me.

Our son Adam protects me, calms me, makes me laugh, frustrates the hell out of me at times, but I know he is always here for me.  He has the ability to center me and makes me see both sides of situations. He is the baby of the family and is spoiled rotten by his siblings.  But they all know when mom is upset to call Adam.  Adam worked several years with John and I but he decided he wanted a new direction once John sold his accounting practice.  He is in the second year of culinary management in college and he hopes to run a restaurant some day.  The benefit to this is he creates wonderful meals and desserts for us but the bad side is it is not helping my weight.  Adam is presently living with me along with his girlfriend Lee.  We would like to continue this arrangement after he finishes college so that I can travel and feel that the house is in good hands while I’m away.

As I have mentioned before I have a nephew that I’m close to.  He is like my kid brother.  There is ten years between us but since we have grown into adults we have become friends too.  Stephen always has my back and I have his.  He is strong and follows the “what would John do” train of thought throughout his life.  John was his father figure and he took all the lessons John taught him to heart.  He is a wonderful man.

You are going to read a lot about these people in upcoming blog posts because they are all the centre of my life.

Four Months and Counting

Posted on by Sue

Four months have passed.  It doesn’t get any easier but it is different.  I don’t sob as much anymore.  I tear up but everything stays inside.  Once in awhile (like when I was at the doctor’s office) I break down and cry but generally I am able to contain it.

It is not that it hurts less.  It is just different.  I feel sad and empty inside.  I can’t even listen to music right now because it brings emotions to close to the surface.  It is easier for me to just stay numb and then I can deal with the day. I am trying to figure out a play list to walk to that makes me happy instead of upsetting me all over again.

In a week I leave for Florida.  I’m glad to be going because I need a change of scenery.  I’m tired of working on bookkeeping and year ends and I’m tired of working on the house.  I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.  I get one job done and another one appears.  I need some time for me.  I need to start taking care of myself.  I need to eat right, learn to relax and start walking again.  I spend too much time sitting at my desk working.  Time to stretch those legs!

Today, when I was having my tea, I could picture those last few moments with my husband.  I had heard a noise and came into the family room where his bed was located.  I took his hand, he opened his eyes and looked at me.  And he took his last breath.  I closed his eyes and held on to him for as long as I could before I called the nurse to come pronounce his death.

When the funeral home came they made the family go to the back yard.  They didn’t want us to see them take John out of the house.  I came back in after they transferred him to the guerney and watched silently while they wheeled him down the driveway to the hearse.  John was leaving the house for the last time. I still can picture this in my head so perfectly.

Now he is here in the house … in spirit .. with me.  I have decided that I want to live in the house until I die and I want to die in the same exact spot he did and I want to take that final journey out of the house the way he did.  And I know, that when I make that trip, he will be beside me holding my hand.

I love you John.  I miss you so much.  Words can’t even express how much.  Forever and all ways.

P.S.  After I wrote this I decided I needed to go out for some air.  I was standing near where John died when there was two distinct thuds from closeby.  My son’s girlfriend and I looked at each other thinking we both did something but we hadn’t.  This happened at exactly the time John passed away 4 months ago.  Proves to me he is still here with me.

Thankful

Posted on by Sue

Today is my first Thanksgiving without my husband.  I’m having a very hard time finding anything to be thankful for even though I know in my heart I should be grateful for the life I have.

I still don’t sleep well.  I tend to wander the house at night.  I sleep a few hours in my bed, sleep a few hours in the living room and then a few hours in the family room. I’m most comfortable in the family room because I feel John is in there.  It is the room where he died.  I curl up on the sofa and pretend he is still there in his hospital bed.  I think I will do better when I return to Florida.  It is less stressful there for me.

My son Adam made his first Thanksgiving dinner yesterday.  Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, squash, steamed veggies and a yummy creme brulee for dessert.  My daughter Amanda came with her husband and we all enjoyed the meal.  Everyone seemed to avoid the topic of John but he was never far from us.  Tomorrow I’m going to another daughter’s house to celebrate again.  But this celebration is really difficult for me.  I know I have to be strong for them but it is really difficult.

A good friend of mine called today to tell me he was thinking of me.  He said that he knows it is hard experiencing “firsts” without John.  He’s right.  But I think I’m going to miss John every day of the rest of my life.

I have been thinking though that John would be upset with me if he knew I was still feeling this way.  John always wanted my happiness before his.  I’m going to work hard at being more social and getting my feet back on the ground. I spend too many days feeling lost and empty.  I don’t want my life to be wasted.  I still have time left to do some good in this world and make my mark.  I’m going to try and be more positive and find my way.

I have been working on clients year ends lately and I want to get them all finished so I can clear my mind when I go down south.  I don’t want to take work down there with me.  So for the next week I’m going to keep my nose to the grindstone and get it all done!

 

Lost

Posted on by Sue

I hate it when people tell me they are sorry I lost my husband.  I didn’t lose him; he died.  He is gone.  It is not like I can find him under a cushion or in a closet somewhere.  He is not lost.  I am lost.  Not him.

I have been very busy this past month.  The main floor renovations are almost complete.  The rooms have been painted, the hardwood is laid, new furniture is in and it is looking good.  They will replace the gas fireplace this week and I have someone coming to hang the light fixture in my dining room.  We filled two dumpsters and a third one is almost full.  I think by Sunday the main floor of my house will be finished with the exception of the new windows.

A friend of mine hired me to help at his office while his bookkeeper was on vacation.  I worked for two weeks and really enjoyed it.  I bought some new “work” clothes and it felt good going out.  I really don’t think I was “needed” there but they certainly made me feel welcome.  It was a nice change of pace and for those hours I mostly concentrated on work and not John.  I could feel him with me in a very supportive way.

I still don’t sleep well.  I sleep on a tiny edge of my bed (on my husband’s side) and the rest of the bed is covered in clothes.  I’m going through his clothes and mine and donating bags and bags to Value Village.  Most of my clothes are dated and I have so many of them that I will never need to buy new ones again. But I can’t bear to get rid of John’s Hawaiian shirts and his Jimmy Buffet ones.  They are John.  I’ve been doing laundry and every dirty shirt of his that I find I cry into and try and smell him just one more time. I hold his shirts and try and feel him.  I miss him so very much.

I finally broke down and called my doctor on Friday to ask him for sleeping pills.  Surprise … surprise he is on holidays until the middle of October.  Is this a sign from John that I shouldn’t use sleeping pills?  I need more sleep though because when I’m tired I’m more emotional.  I went out today and bought some over the counter sleeping medication and I hope that it will help me get at least 7 hours sleep tonight.  With sleep I’ll heal.  I’ll get stronger every day.

Over the past three months I have thought a great deal about death.  I feel guilty that I am alive and John isn’t.  He should be here enjoying his retirement.  If there was any way we could have traded places I would have gladly done it for him.  He worked so hard his entire life that he deserved to spend some golden years.  He took such good care of me and the rest of the family that he truly deserved to be the one that lived.

I also understand how people can die of a broken heart.  I think of dying all the time now.  I  admit I thought of suicide.  I feel so alone and broken that death would be welcome but I have to wait until it is my time.  I never believed in an afterlife until John got ill.  One day in the hospital John was looking off into the distance.  I asked him what he was looking at and he looked at me with genuine surprise.  He answered that my dad was there.  I could see him smiling.  He nodded and then said my dad was leaving (to walk down the lane way) and he’d be back.  John didn’t remember telling my daughter and I this but we had many talks over the next weeks.  He told me that he knew there was something beyond the life that we have here.  He promised he would always be near me.  He told me that he would be the wind blowing past me, that I would feel him if I could quiet my mind.  I see him when I dream (which is very rare now).  Now I have to be strong and rebuild my life.  I need to be good so that when it is my time to die that I will be reunited with John.  We will spend eternity together.  I believe this with my whole heart.

So I have decided I’m going to start new tomorrow.  I’m going to eat better, sleep better, move more, listen to happy music and be productive.  I’m going to try and heal my heart, never forgetting John but working towards being a person that he would be proud of.  Then someday we will be together again and spend forever united.

Forever and all ways.

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Running on Empty

Posted on by Sue

My husband has been gone for two months now.  The days drag on but I can never remember what day of the week it is.  I don’t sob very often anymore but I cry every day.  Every day.  When people ask me how I feel the only way I can describe it is that I feel empty.  I am not complete.  My heart is missing.

I went back to Florida for a very short time.  I went with my goddaughter Zoe for some girl bonding time. She is heading off to university this fall and I have barely seen her in years.  Not because I didn’t want to see her but she lives a very busy life.  She models professionally and when she is not modeling she is studying.  It was nice being with her as she actually spent the time with me and not with her phone.  A week from now I’ll see her again when I go to Halifax to see her off to university.  Seems like it was yesterday when she was born.

I’m feeling very stressed these days.  I’ve finally started the house renovations.  I called a contractor and am waiting for the quote on my dining room ceiling and getting the hardwood installed in my family room.  It is time for the house to be fixed and I can’t do it alone.  My family has been helping me.  We have a dumpster and have filled it.  There was a major leak in the basement and the flooring was ruined and moldy.  My son and his girlfriend are now going to have two rooms … One for sleeping and one for hanging out in. I want to get my room finished this week.  John’s closet and dresser empty. I want to renovate my ensuite and I can’t do it until my room is clean.  Everything is such a mess.

But the biggest cause for stress that I have is there is this woman that owes me money.    A friend of mine told me she said was happy that John died, that in fact he deserved it. She said many horrible things that I won’t repeat here and now she refuses to pay me the money she owes.  She doesn’t owe me a fortune but she does owe me money.  What bothers me the most is what she is saying about my husband.  I am taking her to court.  I will spend whatever I have to in order to make her pay.  Only because she is so heartless.

I also have gone back to work.  I am self-employed and I took enough time off.  We were supposed to be retired this year but now that John is gone I don’t think I want to sit around doing nothing all day so I have decided to go back to work.  I’ll see how this goes … Being self employed is hard work but it is better than just sitting here waiting to die.

I have written out my draft will and given it to the lawyer.  I want to get my affairs in order so I can stop thinking about that aspect of my life too.  Once my will and POA is completed I will begin training my son and daughter on how to run the family business.  Maybe when that is all finished that I will start to heal.