It has been one year of heartbreak. It has changed but it is still there. My heart still searches for John in a crowd, still dreams he is alive and still hopes I will see him again. I still feel so empty, even when I am with people. Even when I laugh I am not truly happy. It is like all happy emotions are played on the surface but not inside of me.
I couldn’t be home on the anniversary date so I went on a cruise with my daughter Amanda. We headed south and visited the Bahamas, Grand Turk and the Dominican. It was a perfect holiday.
My daughter is like sunshine to me. She is beautiful, brilliant, funny, creative and, in so many ways, just like her father. This cruise was important to me because I feel like I have failed her. I know I have disappointed her and I don’t know how to make it up to her. This time away helped us reconnect. We had a wonderful time together and I’m hoping we can continue building on that in the future and have a stronger bond again.
The other day I was crying and wanted so much to talk to John. I heard this little voice in my heart ask “what would you say to him?”. I thought I would tell him that I loved him … missed him but then realized he already knows that I love him and miss him. He always knew that. Then I thought … no what it is that I want to hear is him telling me he loves me and misses me. I needed reassurance that he was still here for me. I stopped crying and decided to get back to work. I was switching computers over (I bought a new one at Christmas and still wasn’t using it) and I went into an old email account. I had lost all my emails from John when we closed our website and was sad about that loss. But when I opened this old email up (hotmail) there was just one letter in the inbox. And when I read it I knew John is still here with me. Here is his email.
This is really weird.
I was just thinking last night about the differences between us. And about how much I love you.
You think you fail at things when, in fact, you are doing great things in life.
You are the reason our kids have turned out well. You have spent the time with them when they needed it; unlike lots of mothers who do not pay attention and then their kids turn out to have all kinds of problems.
You have always been the one that backed me up. Now we are both getting older and like everyone else, things start to deteriorate, both physical and mental. But, that is just the way it is. It happens to everyone.
I don’t know what to tell you about work. Maybe I rely on you too much. Everyone seems to do that to you.
This is a tough time of the year. But we will get through it.
I know the two of us don’t handle stress the same way. For me it is getting better because I feel that we are now at the stage where I believe we have already made it.
We have done the right thing by our kids. Adam still needs to work
things out, but he is certainly not a problem for us.
Manda, Laura, Julie (and Emily) have all been put on a good path for their lives.
I think 99% of our clients like us. And that is why I feel okay about the relationships in the practice. The clients we like also like us, and understand when we have problems. And we do a damn good job for them.
I feel financially secure. If I died tomorrow, I know you guys would be okay. Not as well off as we will be in a few more years, but okay.
My only concern is you. I would like you to get to the stage that you are feeling okay too. I was hoping that this weekend would give you the break you need.
The thing is … It doesn’t matter. Pretty much any of these things can be fixed. If they can’t be fixed, we can handle the consequences. It will all be okay in the end. There are going to be things that come up all the time. That is life.
The important thing is to get you to the stage that you feel the same way.
I don’t know how to express this. The ups and downs happen. I look at them as challenges. But, in the end, that is all they are … We can handle any outcome. So how we get to the outcome doesn’t have to hurt us with the stress.
The one really important thing is that I love you. You are the best thing in my life. When I see you happy, I am happy.
I wish I knew how to make you feel better. <Smiling> Just looking at you makes me feel better. Oops, there I go reverting to my character again .. This is not supposed to be about me.
One last try … Put this stuff out of your head. Relax. Go swimming. Go shopping with them. Enjoy the hotel. And while you are in Niagara Falls, think about our honeymoon.
I really, really love you.
I know he is still with me. I know in my heart he is waiting for me. And I’m counting down the moments until I can be with him again.