I am used to writing to you … We often communicated by email in our last several years together so I am writing you one final letter.
I know you loved me and I know you know I loved you. But there hasn’t been a day since you passed away that I haven’t thought about how I let you down.
To me you were a wonderful father. I always knew you loved me unconditionally. The person I am today is based on the life lessons you taught me. You taught me to judge people individually and not based on race or nationality. You taught me to do my best because anything else was not good enough. You taught me to try to take care of others and this is where I let you down.
I am so sorry that I didn’t make more time to see you over your last few years. I kept telling you I would have more time soon … soon as I stopped working all the time … soon as my house was clean … soon. I remember the last time I saw you as though it was yesterday, you and mom standing at the window near the elevator waving to me. I looked back at you and I thought it might be the last time I ever see you. No … I knew it.
I kept telling myself that when I returned from Florida I would make time to see you regularly. Finally, two years later, I am finally getting freed up from the office and able to make time. Two years later. For the past 10 – 15 years I ran around working .. working and ruining the important things in my life. Like anyone at work cared. I don’t mean John … I mean the clients. Did they care? No. They wanted me to fix things, make their lives easier but never appreciated me. I was uncomfortable billing them … uncomfortable asking for money but that was why I was working around the clock. Suddenly, in our “silver” years John and I had two more mouths to feed … we worked and worked in our to support our brood at home. I lost track of what is truly important by working all the time. I lost time with you … I wanted to work on the family history with you, I wanted you to share all the tales of your childhood with me. I will never, ever be able to do that with you. I missed it because I misplaced my priorities. I thought I was taking care of my family but I was losing the link to my past. I can’t forgive myself for how I treated you in your “golden years”.
Dad .. I am so sorry. I am sorry I treated you so offhand. I am sorry I didn’t spend more time with you. I should have realized time was not on our side.
I love you.
I hope you forgive me.