Fuck 2016

Every where I go these days all I hear is “Fuck 2016”.  Everyone seems to be so concerned about the deaths of celebrities and the election but I feel differently.  I say Fuck 2016 because this was the year I broke.  My heart broke when my husband died and I will never be the same again.  But lately I’ve been thinking that I know I won’t be the same but I can still “reboot” myself into a new person.  I will find my own path and become happy again.  I will not fill that hole in my heart but I reassemble this broken person into a whole, happy being again.

It is strange to hear so many people lament the death of people they really didn’t know.  Alan Rickman, Prince, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Glen Frey … the list goes on and on.  My Facebook is filled with photos, stories and people moaning about the deaths of people that they don’t even know.  Everyone seems to think because they saw that person up on stage or on the screen that they somehow are connected to them and they mourn their passing.  I think it is time for people to give up social media and spend more time with the people in their own lives and not “fake” mourn for people they really didn’t know.

I am going to move into 2017 with a new attitude.  I know I will always have John beside me (as he was in my life) but I’ll move forward. I know I will still have bad moments but I’m more open to the happier times that are coming.

I hope 2017 will be a year of peace and love and brings happiness to all of us.

 

REBOOT

I have decided on my word for 2017.  My focus word is REBOOT.  
Verb (used with object)
1.  to restart (a computer) by loading the operating system; boot again.
2.  to produce a distinctly new version of

3.  to make a change in (something) in order to establish a new beginning:
4.  (of a computer) to be restarted.
Noun
5.  an act or instance of restarting a computer.
6.  an act or instance of making a change in order to establish a new beginning:

a reboot of our product line.
7.  a distinctly new version of something
This is the perfect word for me for 2017!!  I am going to REBOOT my life, my health and my finances.
Come on this journey with me as I restart my entire life!

Happy Birthday to Me

So today I am 60 years old.  I’m officially an old woman.  Sixty.  Wow.

I had a good birthday.  My son was very attentive all day.  He knows I’m very emotional and wanted to keep me happy.  We went to the movies in the morning, I had visitors in the afternoon and we watched a DVD at night.  On Sunday my family is getting together to celebrate.  I wish they hadn’t organized this birthday lunch.  I would rather just ignore the day.  It is not a big deal to have a birthday and right now I don’t feel like celebrating without John.

Believe, Restore, Build, Explore and Nourish

These are the words that I am going to chose from in order to move forward next year.  They all are good words, positive words and strong words. Which one should I pick?

BELIEVE

In 2017 I need to believe that I can move forward with my life.  I need to believe I can go on without John.  I need to believe that I will be alright again.  I need to believe that I can make this journey and not just survive but thrive again.

RESTORE

In 2017 I need to restore not only my life but my health.  I am overweight, my sugar levels indicate I’m pre-diabetic and I’m out of shape.  Writing this word makes me realize that it does not encompass my goals for the year.  I need to find a new life.  Perhaps Reset (like a computer) is a better word.

BUILD

I need to rebuild my life.  I need to get stronger, build a stronger body, build a life for me that encompasses financial and emotional stability and build bridges to my family and friends so that our relationships are closer.

EXPLORE

I want to explore myself and the world around me.  For all my adult life I’ve stood with my husband and now it is time to stand alone.  I need to find out who I am and where I want to go.

NOURISH

This year has been hell on me.  My body is rebelling, my business needs attention and my home is in the midst of renovations.  I need to spend nourishing me, my business and my home.  I need to strengthen myself in order to handle my life alone.  John was always my safety net and my strength.  Now I need to become strong enough to go on alone.

 

Which word should I pick?

What Is My Word?

I have decided to use a workbook in order to direct my life in a more positive way.  The first thing the workbook wants is a word that I will relate to during 2017.  This word is to direct me, inspire me and help me achieve a happy, shining life.  That is a great deal of importance placed on this one word.  So what word should I pick?

The journal says I should ask myself the following two questions.

  1.  What do I need more of?
  2.  What do I need less of?

The second question is easier to answer.  I need less stress.  I am worried about everything. I’m worried about my finances, I’m worried about my children, I’m worried about my house falling apart, I’m worried about my health, I’m worried about my business.  I have panic attacks where my heart pounds and I can’t breathe because the pressure across my chest is so intense.  This even happens while I’m sleeping!  And sleeping … I wish I could sleep a peaceful sleep.  I toss and turn and no longer dream.  I would love to sleep normally again.

So what do I need more of?  I would like to have more time with my children one on one.  With the phones put away and attention spent on each other.  I need to get back into a creative mode, where I produce something.  I waste so much time playing silly online games.  I need more balance in my life where I take care of myself, my children, my home and my finances/business.

I have narrowed my word list down to five words:  Believe, restore, build, explore and nourish. Which one should I pick?

Why Do I Write?

Someone asked me the other day how I’m dealing with my grief.  They were trying to get me to go see a grief counselor and I replied, “I’m seeing myself.”  I find that writing about my thoughts helps me to focus and I am hoping that when I reread some of the older posts I’ll see that I’m getting stronger.  I know in the beginning I felt incredible despair and blackness and felt life was hopeless.  I have better days now, and yes, I can say “days” instead of “moments”.  Now I still cry, sob actually, but I no longer have such an overwhelming desire to die.  I am discovering, and surrounding myself, with the people that want to be with me.  Family and friends that share in my grief and help me find a new normal for myself.  I am hurt by the disappearance of some people that I thought were concerned for me, people I thought that would be there for me during difficult times but they have either totally faded from my life or flit in and out without regard to my feelings.  But I am also surprised by how some people have swept into my life and put their arms around me to comfort me and give me strength.  They are my angels.

 

 

60 Seconds

I keep thinking that I just want one minute more with John.  Just one minute.  But then I try and think what would I do in that minute? Is there something I would ask him? I can’t think of anything. I wouldn’t waste the time asking if he loved me because I know he did.  Should I ask him if he is proud how I am handling things?  Nope … he would tell me he was always proud of me.  So what would I do with that minute?  I finally figured it out.  I just want home to hold me for a minute.  Just one reassuring hug for 60 seconds.  But I know I would be greedy and want more.  One minute a year, one minute a month, one minute a week … it would never be enough until I had him back with me full time.

I was trying to figure out what it is that I need right now. It is an odd feeling.  I am so lonely but not alone.  My family has been wonderful and supportive and I really am not alone but I sure am lonely. Today I went out with my brother, his wife and their grandaughter to Weeki Wachi.  We saw the mermaids perform, took a short boat ride down the Weeki Wachi river and walked around the grounds.  Beautiful, old style Florida fun but I missed having John with me.  I miss those shared moments where we could communicate our feelings without words and we just knew what the other was thinking.   I am surrounded by people but I have never felt so lonely.  I don’t know if that hole will ever be filled.