Falling Out of Love … How Do I Get the Magic Back?

Posted on by Sue

For as long as I remember I have been in love with Mickey Mouse.  As a child my father would tell me stories about Mickey Mouse while we were driving to our cottage.  In the 8th grade I did a school project on Walt Disney and Walt Disney World.  I was totally fascinated with Disney World from that moment on.   I  wore Mickey on my clothes, have a collection of watches with MIckey on them and started collecting all sorts of Mickey items.  I can’t even remember how many times I have visited Disney World.  I have been going there for 32 years … sometimes even more than once in a year.  

My children love Walt Disney World and my grandchildren associate me with Mickey Mouse.  So what has happened?

Today I decided to sort out my collection of Disney pins.  I just started collecting these pins two years ago … started with one of the Beach Club .. special edition showing the Christmas carousel.  I saw the chocolate masterpiece for the first time in December 2009 when my son Adam and my granddaughter Emily went to Disney with me.  My husband was to come but pinched a nerve in his shoulder the evening before we were to leave and he decided to sty behind.  The trip was magical.  My granddaughter discovered the “fun” rides. My son came out of his shell … the three of us laughed, screamed and discovered things together.  I needed this holiday … just prior to this holiday I found out I needed surgery right after Christmas.  It was a holiday to remember .

The next year was one of the worst years of my life.  My annus horribilis.  I lost much that was dear to me … never to be whole again.

At the end of the year I talked my husband into doing the trip with us again in December.  Again at the last minute he cancelled.  This time it was myself, my daughter Amanda and my granddaughter Emily.  Again … it was a perfect holiday.  We laughed, played … delighted in the Christmas atmosphere … sang Christmas songs and I felt myself turning a corner … however the year of loss had changed me.  I looked around at all the happy Christmas carollers and felt a sense of emptiness.  I wanted to feel that Disney magic again … the sense of wonder and discovery … the feeling of childhood joy.  I was beginning to lose it.

In May 2011 I went to Disney World again with my oldest daughter and her family.  My husband came along this time.  Unfortunately it was hot and we were tired from tax season.  While there were moments of happiness with the family generally I felt tired and worn out.  My husband did not enjoy the holiday and I felt his displeasure with it everyday.  I began looking at my beloved Disney World with a jaded eye … began to see the flaws, the crowds annoyed me and I could hardly wait to leave.

I was desperate to reclaim my feeling so I booked another Christmas holiday.  My daughter Amanda, my husband John, stepdaughter Laura and granddaughter Emily came.  We stayed at my favourite resort, concierge level … I planned everything.  Favourite restaurants, wanted to attend the Christmas candlelight show, I researched all the different Christmas events and wanted to share it with my family.  The holiday started out badly … we pull up and my husband waves away the welcoming staff.  Instead of the Disney welcome I ended up having to go out and search for someone who could help us get to the proper level.  Once in the room everyone was complaining … it just went downhill from there.  My granddaughter totally ignored me and hung out with her mother.  There were bright moments … my beautiful daughter Amanda made me laugh, included me on the rides and hugged me when I was down but generally it was just a so-so holiday.

My daughter and her boyfriend wanted to go to Disney in September 2012 so we planned a holiday.  I had thought it would be a romantic one with my hubby …. Amanda and I talked about renting a boat to see the fireworks at night … I wanted to do all the adult things there with John.  Unfortunately John decided not to go so Adam stepped in.  Then Adam brought his girlfriend.  Suddenly I became the fifth wheel.  A romantic setting and I was the outsider.  I went through the motions on the rides … there was nothing there for me any more.  Just emptiness. It was not anyones fault … my children tried to include me but my I just couldn’t get into it. I felt I was getting too old for the rides (even though I still love Mission Space) and I was tired of all the walking from place to place. I was almost content to just sit and read in the garden of the hotel. It was so beautiful, peaceful and calm there.

Is this part of my evolution? Does this make me happy? Do I want to get the magic back? Do I want to feel that childlike wonder again? What do I do with my Mickey collection? Do I box it up? Move on?

Or do I evolve? Do I change … rediscover my beloved Disney on an adult level? Do I try and find the same joy discovering the corners of the world, trying foods in the different countries, watching the fireworks with the one I love? Or do I close the old door and bolt it shut or open a new one?

 

Dazzling, Bedazzling and Vajazzling

Posted on by Sue

Yesterday I came across the strangest new trend. Women are bedazzling their vaginas. Well not exactly the vagina but the pubic bone area and this new trend is called Vajazzling.

The process is the woman is waxed and then the technician carefully applies the crystals in a pattern. It can cost up to $150 to have a professional do the job for you or $10 for your own at home kit.

Now what man looks at a naked woman and says … hey .. what that area needs is some sparkles that will rub off and end up in my pubic hair? How can this be comfortable for either person?

How did this trend start? Two young things hanging out in their rooms on a Saturday night saying, hey .. let’s pull out the bedazzler and see what happens? Or did Britney & Lindsay say .. hey .. we don’t wear sexy underwear anymore so let’s stick crystals there so when we flash our bits they sparkle for the paparazzi?

What is next?

Careless Comment … Or Was It?

Posted on by Sue

Someone made a comment at dinner last night that hurt my daughter’s feelings. I was not at this dinner so I was unable to buffer this rudeness or, and this was my gut reaction, pummel the bitch to the ground.

Ok … we all know I would not hit anyone, but any mother out there understands how I feel. We want to buffer our children, wrap them up in padding and protect them from the world. Unfortunately, that is in an impossible feat.

My daughter is in a committed relationship with a wonderful man. I could not have picked a better life partner for her. While their relationship is relatively young (living together for just over half a year) I believe they are lifers. They are a perfect match for each other, intelligent, fun, creative and family oriented.

Without going into details this woman basically dismissed my daughter as being inconsequential to this woman’s life.

It was a stupid, offhand remark at a family holiday dinner that was designed to bring attention to herself. I have not met this woman so I can’t judge why she would say this but I can only hope it was some sort of cry out for attention. She must be very unhappy in her life to intentionally hurt at least two of the people at that table.

Emotions run high at family gatherings and people tend to be a bit more outspoken when drinking. All I can do is hug my daughter, let her know I love her, and tell her what this woman thinks doesn’t matter .. what matters is the love she shares with the people who are closest to her in life.

Giving Thanks

Posted on by Sue

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada. Unfortunately I am far from most of my family today as I am in Florida with my son and his girlfriend while renovations are being done here. Even though we were unable to have our standard holiday dinner I am thankful for many things.

First I am thankful for my husband. We have been married 31 years and been together for 33 years. We live together, work together and usually holiday together. We are together more than most couples. Yes there are times we drive each other crazy and there are times we need a break from each other but we are still in love after all this time.

John is my rock, my iron man. He has been a good provider for our family. We may not always agree but I don’t know what I would do without him.

I am also thankful for my children. I have been truly blessed with my children.

My beautiful daughter Amanda is brilliant and creative. I have never met anyone else like her. It seems there is nothing she can’t do. She is an extremely talented artist in many fields (photography, drawing, needlework), excellent writer and the smartest person I have ever met. She is one of the people I know I can always count on to be there for me. Amanda has a travelling bug that she inherited from me .. often I dream of doing the Amazing Race with her.

My son is another one that has always been there for me. Adam is a gentle giant and one of the kindest old souls I have ever met. I can always count on him to tell me whether I’m off base … he centers me. When I am troubled he senses it and does what he can to fix it. He is smart, handsome and in the process of finding himself. I think this next year will be a watershed year for my baby boy.

John brought his two daughters into our relationship. Julie, the oldest, has grown into a strong and independent woman. In many ways she is much like me. We tend to like the same decorating ideas, clothing styles and we both are very family oriented. I wish she lived closer to me so she could be bigger part of my life but I plan to see her more often from here on out.

Laura is my other stepdaughter. Laura is a hands on woman … loves to do home renovations on her own. She is friendly and is competitive and loves to play games. Laura hates confrontation and will work at alleviating conflict.

I am thankful for my grandchildren (more on them later) and my extended family. I am thankful for my health and home. And lastly I am thankful for my most comfortable bed … I am heading there now!

Spirits, Ghosts and the Afterlife … Oh My!

Posted on by Sue

 

 

My head tells me there is no such thing as ghosts but experience tells me otherwise.  

When I was a little girl my maternal grandmother lived with my family.  She was an unusual woman.  She read tarot cards, studied Edgar Cayce and told me about the afterlife.  She was not an affectionate woman, in fact she had little time for me other read my cards daily.  Recently I found a letter she wrote to my mother when I was a teenager and I was quite surprised that she said she loved me in the letter.  She had a stroke and spent some time in a nursing home.  She didn’t know who anyone was but me.  She would beg me to take her away and it broke my heart.  

Her oldest daughter, my Aunt Delores, was another unusual woman.  She was a practicing Druid.  I spent many Saturday afternoons with her learning how to spin.  She taught me to card the wool, dye it and spin it and my mother would weave the wool.  My aunt would tell me how to respect nature, the spirits and to listen to my heart.  My aunt was larger than life and it is said she haunts her old home.  

I mention my grandmother (who I was named after) and my aunt as a bit of background to my story.  They both believed there was nothing to fear from spirits as long as you were strong enough inside.  

When my children were young (my daughter was 9 and my son was 5) we were in a hotel near an airport.  Early the next morning we were to fly out for a vacation to Florida.  We all were sleeping and I woke to the most evil sounds.  I could feel the evil in the room.  My children were in the next bed sound asleep.  This voice said to me he was going to take my children and I was powerless to do anything about it.  I was unable to move … I felt frozen in place.  Then I just said to myself that no one, no THING would harm my children if I could help it and I forced myself to turn over to face it.  The moment I turned to face my children I could feel the presence begin to slip away and there was this flash of light in the room.  I sat up and sparks began to fly out of my fingertips.  I woke my husband up and the sparks would travel from my fingers to the edges of the bed.  My children woke up and saw this phenomenon.   What was this?  I have no idea.  I have never felt that fear again, have never felt that evil again.  It was like I faced my challenge and won.  

That has not been the extent of feeling a presence near me.  One time I was in an elevator at the nursing home where my parents live.  I had an upsetting visit with my mother.  She suffers from dementia and gave me a very hard time that day.  I was leaving and alone in the elevator.  I started to cry (not sobbing just tearing up) and I very clearly heard my Aunt Betty say to me “You are her angel”.  I heard it as clear as anything, recognized my aunt’s voice and felt her with me.  My aunt Betty and my mother were best friends. My aunt died a few years ago …. just at the onset of my mother’s dementia.  My aunt gave me strength that day that I still feel today.

My husband and I bought a building for our business a few years back.  It was a very stressful time for me.  There were times I was ready to give up on life because I was so worn out from work, the children and the renovations to this old building.  One day, I was sitting in my office and I could smell bacon and eggs cooking.  Then I could smell fresh coffee.  It was just like when I was a little girl and my grandmother was downstairs making her breakfast.  I could feel my grandmother there watching over me.  It came to the point where I would say good morning to her when I got to work and goodbye when I left.  Then one day, I took a nap in my office.  While napping I dreamt she came to me and said I was fine and she could leave.  I never felt her again.

There is more but that is for another time.

Keeping on Track

Posted on by Sue

Today I organized the sewing area here, wandered around Michaels for inspiration and basically hung out in my room. I am feeling sort of lonely and sad today … no real reason why but I am out of sorts.

I am working on my list of changes. I want to get back into holiday traditions and I was thinking that next year I want to have a nice village on the Christmas table. I have some houses to paint at home but I’m not going to be there for a few weeks so I’ve decided to buy a couple to work on here over the next few weeks. That should help me get started on my creative changes plus I’m working towards making memories for my children. Next year when they come for dinner they will see the village … my grandchildren will see them when they come to visit.

Step One

Posted on by Sue

So … where do I start?  I know the things that make me happy … how do I get back to them?  I have spent so much time at work I lost all my creative skills.  I don’t bake anymore, sew … create … I didn’t do anything but work for so long.  So … first resolutions are as follows:

1.  Once a week I will make a meal from scratch using a recipe book (or online recipe).  Something new, not just opening a can or a bag of frozen vegetables.  Eventually I would like to be making a real dinner 5 nights a week (leaving a night for my husband and son).  Believe it or not, I’m tired of eating fast food and restaurant meals.  Unfortunately this is going to be delayed a week or two while my kitchen is being renovated.  Right now, I have no cupboards, counters or lights in there!

2. I need to reignite my creative juices.  I used to love to sew, paint (folk art), decorate and bring that side out in me again.  I need to start taking chances ..  I will work out a specific plan shortly.

3.  I want to read more.  Not brain candy but good books.  Any suggestions are welcome.

4.  I want to move more.  My goal is some kind of exercise for half an hour a day to start.

5.  I am going to blog my progress daily.  It will help keep me on track.

Letter To My Father

Posted on by Sue

Dear dad

I am used to writing to you … We often communicated by email in our last several years together so I am writing you one final letter.

I know you loved me and I know you know I loved you. But there hasn’t been a day since you passed away that I haven’t thought about how I let you down.

To me you were a wonderful father.  I always knew you loved me unconditionally.  The person I am today is based on the life lessons you taught me.  You taught me to judge people individually and not based on race or nationality.  You taught me to do my best because anything else was not good enough.  You taught me to try to take care of others and this is where I let you down.

I am so sorry that I didn’t make more time to see you over your last few years.  I kept telling you I would have more time soon … soon as I stopped working all the time … soon as my house was clean … soon.  I remember the last time I saw you as though it was yesterday, you and mom standing at the window near the elevator waving to me.  I looked back at you and I thought it might be the last time I ever see you.  No … I knew it.

I kept telling myself that when I returned from Florida I would make time to see you regularly.  Finally, two years later, I am finally getting freed up from the office and able to make time.  Two years later.  For the past 10 – 15 years I ran around working .. working and ruining the important things in my life.  Like anyone at work cared.  I don’t mean John … I mean the clients.  Did they care?  No.  They wanted me to fix things, make their lives easier but never appreciated me.  I was uncomfortable billing them … uncomfortable asking for money but that was why I was working around the clock.  Suddenly, in our “silver” years John and I had two more mouths to feed … we worked and worked in our to support our brood at home.  I lost track of what is truly important by working all the time.  I lost time with you … I wanted to work on the family history with you, I wanted you to share all the tales of your childhood with me.  I will never, ever be able to do that with you.  I missed it because I misplaced my priorities. I thought I was taking care of my family but I was losing the link to my past. I can’t forgive myself for how I treated you in your “golden years”.

Dad .. I am so sorry. I am sorry I treated you so offhand. I am sorry I didn’t spend more time with you. I should have realized time was not on our side.

I love you.

I hope you forgive me.

Sue

Beginnings

Posted on by Sue

Before I can work on increasing my happiness I need to identify what makes me unhappy.  What causes me stress.  What things pull me down?  Who upsets me and fills me with negative feelings?  What am I missing in my life?

Stress in my life is caused by sneaky, lying people who smile and tell you one thing while they are doing something behind my back.  Problem is not much gets past me.  I don’t call these liars out … I just know what they are doing and let them continue lying to me.  This needs to change.

I worry about financial security.  Who knew the economy would tank?  The sale of the practice, the sale of the building all worry me.

I have only one close friend.  I have no girlfriends to go to the movies with, shopping with or to hang out.   I have one friend but she is extremely social and I am just one of her many friends. I would like to have a best friend that has time for me.

I am fat and unfit.  I need to change this so I can enjoy my life.  Garbage in … Garbage out.  I eat garbage.  I need to change this and I need to get fit.  I will never be pretty but I want to get to the point where I don’t minds having my photo taken.

As much as I love my husband I am worried we will have nothing in common once I stop working with him.  I want to develop common interests and work at strengthening our relationship as our work relationship ends.

I lost control of my life 10 years ago and I need to take charge again. I need to fix my house.

I love my children more than life itself but I feel I have short-changed them over the last several years. I want to change that and spend more quality time with them.

Lastly something that makes me very sad is how I let my father down. I will address this one later.