Frustrated in Florida

I love my home in Florida but it needs some renovations. We have already done major renovations such as new windows, an enclosed Florida room and new shower and toilet. The last major renovation is the kitchen. We met with the contractor in July, gave him the down payment and arranged to have the work started October 1. Prior to that date they were here four times to measure.

October 1 came … They showed up in the afternoon and gutted the kitchen. For the past two weeks the only other activity is when the electrician came to retire and when they came to look at the ceiling.

I keep calling and getting machines. Today I spoke to the general foreman and her promised he would be here today. It is 10 pm and I am still waiting.

The Lucky One

When I was young I would ask my mom if I was pretty and she would say to me “Your older sister is the pretty one, your brother is the smart one and you are the lucky one”. I was the lucky one. I thought that I was special … there were lots of pretty girls, smart people but how many people were “lucky”?

As I grew up I realized people were not born lucky. People make their own luck working hard. I knew I was every bit as smart as my brother and while I was not pretty, I certainly was not ugly.

Then I met a man who made me feel that I was all three things .. pretty, intelligent and lucky. Next week we will have been married 31 years.

I am the first to admit we have had both good times and bad times. We lived together, worked together and spent all our time together. We raised two children together and helped raise his two daughters from his first marriage. After all this time I still consider myself lucky to be his wife.

My husband is the smartest man I know, kind, generous and loving. He has spent his lifetime providing for his family. He has taken good care of me and given me a life that I love. This anniversary is the start of our new life together as he retires two months later. After over 34 years of taking care of our family it will be our time together. I am looking forward to our new beginning.

I really am the lucky one.

Progress

Two weeks into my happiness and project and it is time to self evaluate. Am I moving forward? Am I any happier? The answer is a resounding YES.

I have made small changes in my diet. Cutting down on my old nemesis french fries has made a big difference in me. I have decided if I am going to eat them they have to be awesome! Home made style … crispy and salty. Great thing for me is that is not the way they serve them in restaurants so it is easy to leave them on the plate.

I am failing on the exercise part but I did get up today and used the wii fit. I am only here another two weeks but I hope to swim most days. That will help me burn calories!

I did read a book to keep my brain active and blogged every day. I do want to add in doing my luminosity exercises every day. I forgot all about them once I stopped working at the office.

Now the more difficult area .. creativity. I did try to find something to make but so far have not completed anything. I will find something that I am good at again. I have decided to finally finish a Christmas stocking for my son over the next two weeks.

I do want to add some resolutions to my basic five now. My beginning five are:

1. Cook from scratch. Not just cook .. create meals. Create menus and feed my family good food.

2. Ignite my creative side.

3. Read more.

4. Exercise more.

5. Blog regularly.

New changes are as follows:

6. Eat 3 pieces of fruit or vegetables a day.

7. Create a daily schedule, weekly schedule and monthly schedule to help bring balance into my life.

8. Kiss or hug someone every day. Smile at strangers.

Mother Mother Ocean

I love water. When I was young I had a canoe and small sailboat and I spent hours at the cottage on the water. As I got older I started coming to Florida. For a few years we had a condo on the Gulf of Mexico. I would watch the waves and dream of the ocean. I wanted to sail on the water, feel the spray on my face and watch the dolphins play in the wake.

I will never have an ocean-going sailboat but I have been on a cruise ship. I know it is not the same, but I have spent hours on the balcony watching the water. It is like heaven to me.

Today I touched heaven again. Tourist heaven, but heaven nonetheless. I went on a tug boat out onto the Gulf of Mexico to look for dolphins with my son and his girlfriend. I loved the motion of the boat, the sun on my face and smell of the salt water. Within the first few minutes of the trip I spotted a solitary dolphin. The boat headed out to the Gulf to see if we could find any other dolphins. Gulf was choppy so the spray was fierce and waves lapped into the boat. We came back to the intercoastal and found the original dolphin. The dolphin played in the wake of the boat. Watching him play filled me with such a feeling of joy and peace.

Tonight I hope to dream of the ocean.

Falling Out of Love … How Do I Get the Magic Back?

For as long as I remember I have been in love with Mickey Mouse.  As a child my father would tell me stories about Mickey Mouse while we were driving to our cottage.  In the 8th grade I did a school project on Walt Disney and Walt Disney World.  I was totally fascinated with Disney World from that moment on.   I  wore Mickey on my clothes, have a collection of watches with MIckey on them and started collecting all sorts of Mickey items.  I can’t even remember how many times I have visited Disney World.  I have been going there for 32 years … sometimes even more than once in a year.  

My children love Walt Disney World and my grandchildren associate me with Mickey Mouse.  So what has happened?

Today I decided to sort out my collection of Disney pins.  I just started collecting these pins two years ago … started with one of the Beach Club .. special edition showing the Christmas carousel.  I saw the chocolate masterpiece for the first time in December 2009 when my son Adam and my granddaughter Emily went to Disney with me.  My husband was to come but pinched a nerve in his shoulder the evening before we were to leave and he decided to sty behind.  The trip was magical.  My granddaughter discovered the “fun” rides. My son came out of his shell … the three of us laughed, screamed and discovered things together.  I needed this holiday … just prior to this holiday I found out I needed surgery right after Christmas.  It was a holiday to remember .

The next year was one of the worst years of my life.  My annus horribilis.  I lost much that was dear to me … never to be whole again.

At the end of the year I talked my husband into doing the trip with us again in December.  Again at the last minute he cancelled.  This time it was myself, my daughter Amanda and my granddaughter Emily.  Again … it was a perfect holiday.  We laughed, played … delighted in the Christmas atmosphere … sang Christmas songs and I felt myself turning a corner … however the year of loss had changed me.  I looked around at all the happy Christmas carollers and felt a sense of emptiness.  I wanted to feel that Disney magic again … the sense of wonder and discovery … the feeling of childhood joy.  I was beginning to lose it.

In May 2011 I went to Disney World again with my oldest daughter and her family.  My husband came along this time.  Unfortunately it was hot and we were tired from tax season.  While there were moments of happiness with the family generally I felt tired and worn out.  My husband did not enjoy the holiday and I felt his displeasure with it everyday.  I began looking at my beloved Disney World with a jaded eye … began to see the flaws, the crowds annoyed me and I could hardly wait to leave.

I was desperate to reclaim my feeling so I booked another Christmas holiday.  My daughter Amanda, my husband John, stepdaughter Laura and granddaughter Emily came.  We stayed at my favourite resort, concierge level … I planned everything.  Favourite restaurants, wanted to attend the Christmas candlelight show, I researched all the different Christmas events and wanted to share it with my family.  The holiday started out badly … we pull up and my husband waves away the welcoming staff.  Instead of the Disney welcome I ended up having to go out and search for someone who could help us get to the proper level.  Once in the room everyone was complaining … it just went downhill from there.  My granddaughter totally ignored me and hung out with her mother.  There were bright moments … my beautiful daughter Amanda made me laugh, included me on the rides and hugged me when I was down but generally it was just a so-so holiday.

My daughter and her boyfriend wanted to go to Disney in September 2012 so we planned a holiday.  I had thought it would be a romantic one with my hubby …. Amanda and I talked about renting a boat to see the fireworks at night … I wanted to do all the adult things there with John.  Unfortunately John decided not to go so Adam stepped in.  Then Adam brought his girlfriend.  Suddenly I became the fifth wheel.  A romantic setting and I was the outsider.  I went through the motions on the rides … there was nothing there for me any more.  Just emptiness. It was not anyones fault … my children tried to include me but my I just couldn’t get into it. I felt I was getting too old for the rides (even though I still love Mission Space) and I was tired of all the walking from place to place. I was almost content to just sit and read in the garden of the hotel. It was so beautiful, peaceful and calm there.

Is this part of my evolution? Does this make me happy? Do I want to get the magic back? Do I want to feel that childlike wonder again? What do I do with my Mickey collection? Do I box it up? Move on?

Or do I evolve? Do I change … rediscover my beloved Disney on an adult level? Do I try and find the same joy discovering the corners of the world, trying foods in the different countries, watching the fireworks with the one I love? Or do I close the old door and bolt it shut or open a new one?

 

Careless Comment … Or Was It?

Someone made a comment at dinner last night that hurt my daughter’s feelings. I was not at this dinner so I was unable to buffer this rudeness or, and this was my gut reaction, pummel the bitch to the ground.

Ok … we all know I would not hit anyone, but any mother out there understands how I feel. We want to buffer our children, wrap them up in padding and protect them from the world. Unfortunately, that is in an impossible feat.

My daughter is in a committed relationship with a wonderful man. I could not have picked a better life partner for her. While their relationship is relatively young (living together for just over half a year) I believe they are lifers. They are a perfect match for each other, intelligent, fun, creative and family oriented.

Without going into details this woman basically dismissed my daughter as being inconsequential to this woman’s life.

It was a stupid, offhand remark at a family holiday dinner that was designed to bring attention to herself. I have not met this woman so I can’t judge why she would say this but I can only hope it was some sort of cry out for attention. She must be very unhappy in her life to intentionally hurt at least two of the people at that table.

Emotions run high at family gatherings and people tend to be a bit more outspoken when drinking. All I can do is hug my daughter, let her know I love her, and tell her what this woman thinks doesn’t matter .. what matters is the love she shares with the people who are closest to her in life.

Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada. Unfortunately I am far from most of my family today as I am in Florida with my son and his girlfriend while renovations are being done here. Even though we were unable to have our standard holiday dinner I am thankful for many things.

First I am thankful for my husband. We have been married 31 years and been together for 33 years. We live together, work together and usually holiday together. We are together more than most couples. Yes there are times we drive each other crazy and there are times we need a break from each other but we are still in love after all this time.

John is my rock, my iron man. He has been a good provider for our family. We may not always agree but I don’t know what I would do without him.

I am also thankful for my children. I have been truly blessed with my children.

My beautiful daughter Amanda is brilliant and creative. I have never met anyone else like her. It seems there is nothing she can’t do. She is an extremely talented artist in many fields (photography, drawing, needlework), excellent writer and the smartest person I have ever met. She is one of the people I know I can always count on to be there for me. Amanda has a travelling bug that she inherited from me .. often I dream of doing the Amazing Race with her.

My son is another one that has always been there for me. Adam is a gentle giant and one of the kindest old souls I have ever met. I can always count on him to tell me whether I’m off base … he centers me. When I am troubled he senses it and does what he can to fix it. He is smart, handsome and in the process of finding himself. I think this next year will be a watershed year for my baby boy.

John brought his two daughters into our relationship. Julie, the oldest, has grown into a strong and independent woman. In many ways she is much like me. We tend to like the same decorating ideas, clothing styles and we both are very family oriented. I wish she lived closer to me so she could be bigger part of my life but I plan to see her more often from here on out.

Laura is my other stepdaughter. Laura is a hands on woman … loves to do home renovations on her own. She is friendly and is competitive and loves to play games. Laura hates confrontation and will work at alleviating conflict.

I am thankful for my grandchildren (more on them later) and my extended family. I am thankful for my health and home. And lastly I am thankful for my most comfortable bed … I am heading there now!

Step One

So … where do I start?  I know the things that make me happy … how do I get back to them?  I have spent so much time at work I lost all my creative skills.  I don’t bake anymore, sew … create … I didn’t do anything but work for so long.  So … first resolutions are as follows:

1.  Once a week I will make a meal from scratch using a recipe book (or online recipe).  Something new, not just opening a can or a bag of frozen vegetables.  Eventually I would like to be making a real dinner 5 nights a week (leaving a night for my husband and son).  Believe it or not, I’m tired of eating fast food and restaurant meals.  Unfortunately this is going to be delayed a week or two while my kitchen is being renovated.  Right now, I have no cupboards, counters or lights in there!

2. I need to reignite my creative juices.  I used to love to sew, paint (folk art), decorate and bring that side out in me again.  I need to start taking chances ..  I will work out a specific plan shortly.

3.  I want to read more.  Not brain candy but good books.  Any suggestions are welcome.

4.  I want to move more.  My goal is some kind of exercise for half an hour a day to start.

5.  I am going to blog my progress daily.  It will help keep me on track.

Letter To My Father

Dear dad

I am used to writing to you … We often communicated by email in our last several years together so I am writing you one final letter.

I know you loved me and I know you know I loved you. But there hasn’t been a day since you passed away that I haven’t thought about how I let you down.

To me you were a wonderful father.  I always knew you loved me unconditionally.  The person I am today is based on the life lessons you taught me.  You taught me to judge people individually and not based on race or nationality.  You taught me to do my best because anything else was not good enough.  You taught me to try to take care of others and this is where I let you down.

I am so sorry that I didn’t make more time to see you over your last few years.  I kept telling you I would have more time soon … soon as I stopped working all the time … soon as my house was clean … soon.  I remember the last time I saw you as though it was yesterday, you and mom standing at the window near the elevator waving to me.  I looked back at you and I thought it might be the last time I ever see you.  No … I knew it.

I kept telling myself that when I returned from Florida I would make time to see you regularly.  Finally, two years later, I am finally getting freed up from the office and able to make time.  Two years later.  For the past 10 – 15 years I ran around working .. working and ruining the important things in my life.  Like anyone at work cared.  I don’t mean John … I mean the clients.  Did they care?  No.  They wanted me to fix things, make their lives easier but never appreciated me.  I was uncomfortable billing them … uncomfortable asking for money but that was why I was working around the clock.  Suddenly, in our “silver” years John and I had two more mouths to feed … we worked and worked in our to support our brood at home.  I lost track of what is truly important by working all the time.  I lost time with you … I wanted to work on the family history with you, I wanted you to share all the tales of your childhood with me.  I will never, ever be able to do that with you.  I missed it because I misplaced my priorities. I thought I was taking care of my family but I was losing the link to my past. I can’t forgive myself for how I treated you in your “golden years”.

Dad .. I am so sorry. I am sorry I treated you so offhand. I am sorry I didn’t spend more time with you. I should have realized time was not on our side.

I love you.

I hope you forgive me.

Sue